ow

What the hell is going on with me? Yesterday I had a total mood collapse, cried my eyes out, and felt lonelier than I have any right to feel. It kicked off when I realized that I was going to have to go out to lunch on my own because Justin had gone without me and I couldn't eat anything that was being served here. It pains me now to admit to such a pathetic, abject complaint, but yesterday it was the last straw and I couldn't keep myself from crying, alone, at my desk, so that anyone walking by could see it. I really lost it once Justin agreed to ride along with me to pick up food and we were out of the building, and it hasn't fully passed yet.

I'm sure that I lost a bunch of neural pathways, washed away like so many rickety bridges in a flood of self pity and despair. Last night I took it easy and played drop 7 while watching Bones on Netflix and am sorry to say I was having a very hard time getting above 200,000. If I think back now, over the past several days, I've been misplacing words and stuttering thoughts for at least a week, if not two or three. That I can't remember or didn't see it coming at the time reinforces the assessment, since memory and analytical ability tend to go just before the big crash. In terms of chemical input changes all I can think of is that I've been on a different birth control pill for a week; and that I took 20mg of Ritalin on Saturday. Nothing else has changed! I haven't missed a dose of medication, I've been working on my paper, dating, and finding a condo, and generally trying to get my life in order, but all at once I was losing hold of a losing cause.

Today I'm having light sensitivity, which could be another symptom, or maybe just a result of crying so much yesterday. I feel better, but that's probably because I'm no longer trying to keep from falling apart. Now I need to monitor my mood, try to note whether it improves in the days to come.