late january is a such a bitch to me. for the past three years that i can remember i'll come back from California feeling good and doing fine and the year starts out well enough. I make plans and resolutions and then, right around my birthday things start to suck. last year it was the Mike and Judy show; the year before it was the Andy nonsense. but this year? I was so on track, being so good socially, putting my best foot forward towards school and all that, and still the same thing is happening again: I feel more and more tired, stuttery and pessimistic every day.
i can't let this happen! if it means i have to dramatically up my medication, embark on a rigorous diet and gym routine and stop watching tv altogether that's what I'll have to to. it's unacceptable to lose any more time to depression. especially at 37 when I have to make so many things happen! so there: a new resolution: fight depression! Grrrr!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
staying intentional
it's pretty boiler plate as resolutions go: stay focused, don't procrastinate, follow through. the trick will be sticking to it. here are some specific areas I had in mind when resolving to do this:
work: there are too many days when i come into work and don't know what to do with myself, and too many other days when i have a list of things i'm not excited about doing. while in the past i've sort of dragged my feet until things eventually got done without ever committing fully to the task i'm deciding now that i'll do things differently from here on out. i've determined empirically that it's less painful and takes less effort to do things intentionally than while dragging my feet.
school: last year was kind of a wash. i barely made it through intelligent interfaces, which was a pretty easy class, and let that final paper drag on to the utter limits of my sanity. if i'd just started it two days sooner and had managed to turn something in i'm sure the resulting grade would have been the same (B+) but my summer would have been much more relaxed. when the fall came and I started on the java class the paper was still hanging over me and the malaise of it seemed to spread. gone was the high stakes feeling of the previous fall, when i spent days in the library doing research and churning out papers. granted the material was difficult and unfamiliar to me, but i was overwhelmed almost from the start. i don't know that I could have done better in a different frame of mind, but i might have been able to be more objective sooner as to my place in the class and might have dropped it sooner, again incurring less exhaustion and pain.
dating: no more putting off dating because i don't feel like it. no more wasting time with justin. no more excuses. it's a simple proposition: in order to meet the right person i have to go out and meet more people. even my own method of data analytics-driven dating requires data points. so that's it. more dates. more writing, more pictures, more sites, activities and people.
socializing: just be better at it. there are so many times when i haven't felt capable of socializing, or capable of enjoying socializing. i just upped my citalopram dose because i'd been experiencing symptoms of a serotonergic deficiency (stuttering, mis-firing thoughts, physical clumsiness, slowed reflexes). i have a few leads in danette and anne, and i need to decide whether to put work into liza. she's perfectly nice, but i always come away feeling like it was not a fit. maybe there's something to that. but i have to make a decision about it rather than letting things just fall wherever.
money: no more indulgence shopping! i can't afford it. i have a mortgage, school, psychotherapy and an asthmatic kitty to take care of. there are myriad home improvement projects calling out to me but i'm just going to have to pace myself. i'm starting the year off on a note of austerity and will have to manage my budget observantly.
that's all for now. it's simple, straight-forward and absolutely not my strong suit. good luck to me!
work: there are too many days when i come into work and don't know what to do with myself, and too many other days when i have a list of things i'm not excited about doing. while in the past i've sort of dragged my feet until things eventually got done without ever committing fully to the task i'm deciding now that i'll do things differently from here on out. i've determined empirically that it's less painful and takes less effort to do things intentionally than while dragging my feet.
school: last year was kind of a wash. i barely made it through intelligent interfaces, which was a pretty easy class, and let that final paper drag on to the utter limits of my sanity. if i'd just started it two days sooner and had managed to turn something in i'm sure the resulting grade would have been the same (B+) but my summer would have been much more relaxed. when the fall came and I started on the java class the paper was still hanging over me and the malaise of it seemed to spread. gone was the high stakes feeling of the previous fall, when i spent days in the library doing research and churning out papers. granted the material was difficult and unfamiliar to me, but i was overwhelmed almost from the start. i don't know that I could have done better in a different frame of mind, but i might have been able to be more objective sooner as to my place in the class and might have dropped it sooner, again incurring less exhaustion and pain.
dating: no more putting off dating because i don't feel like it. no more wasting time with justin. no more excuses. it's a simple proposition: in order to meet the right person i have to go out and meet more people. even my own method of data analytics-driven dating requires data points. so that's it. more dates. more writing, more pictures, more sites, activities and people.
socializing: just be better at it. there are so many times when i haven't felt capable of socializing, or capable of enjoying socializing. i just upped my citalopram dose because i'd been experiencing symptoms of a serotonergic deficiency (stuttering, mis-firing thoughts, physical clumsiness, slowed reflexes). i have a few leads in danette and anne, and i need to decide whether to put work into liza. she's perfectly nice, but i always come away feeling like it was not a fit. maybe there's something to that. but i have to make a decision about it rather than letting things just fall wherever.
money: no more indulgence shopping! i can't afford it. i have a mortgage, school, psychotherapy and an asthmatic kitty to take care of. there are myriad home improvement projects calling out to me but i'm just going to have to pace myself. i'm starting the year off on a note of austerity and will have to manage my budget observantly.
that's all for now. it's simple, straight-forward and absolutely not my strong suit. good luck to me!
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