I've done it. finally.

Over the past two years I've told myself many times I was not going to waste any more time on Justin, but in all of those instances I never could bring myself to take that final step of really letting him go.

I just did that today. I told him we can no longer be friends. As expected, he played a position of "strength," saying, "Okay." Then he asked, not very forcefully, for an explanation. I told him I didn't feel good about our relationship; that I'd always want more and that he would never give it to me; and that I've felt pretty good during these last two weeks when he's been too busy to hang out. While we were driving back to the office afterwards I went over in my mind what the deeper reasons are: his narcissism, the way he's treated me poorly, his complete lack of empathy, and decided at each point that it was not important or helpful to share any of this with him.

I did shed some tears as we drove back in silence and I realized that even in this moment I was the one in pain, and I knew that I could not have done this had it not been for the fortuitous two week break in our contact. I feel so much lighter now that going up to sit at the front desk all afternoon is a relief.

I hope this time it sticks.

because it's hard

I shouldn't be surprised to see that my last post was in January. Spring semester was insane, and it's not like I've been falling all over myself to post since the semester ended. Still, it can't hurt to do a mid-year mind check.

After putting off life and a half because of school exhaustion things have started to catch up with me. I finally seem to have a handle on my financial situation after trimming my visits with Dr. Feldman back to twice a month and getting an infusion of cash from Dad. I might actually be able to pay off my credit cards and start saving again. And/or get hookups installed for the washer and dryer. Win-win.

Also taking care of taxes, finally, with the property assessor knocking down my door and the threat of a revoked residential exemption in the air. I have about a month to get it all squared away, whatever the costs. The time for avoidance has come and gone and now it's for real. I have a date with a CPA on Friday to get the ball rolling. A year-old house sale in Brazil, and various business loans coming in and out of accounts I know nothing about make me queasy but what else am I going to do? Last year, when I was plenty on top of things, my CPA got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and retired. Now, with the summer off of school, time has come to wrap this baby up.

And speaking of baby, Clayton's due back in for another $800 X-ray. Poor little guy. Hates the vet and freaks himself out beyond all reason. I wish there was another way. He has been doing better lately, though. The wet food, or perhaps the absence of chicken in the wet food, seems to be doing him good. Maybe the news will be good and he can go home with another prescription rather than a scheduled return for a lobectomy. Oof. I can't even think about it. Let's hope for the best, I guess.

My other baby, the Matrix, is due for service after my nearmiss on the highway. Hopefully I haven't wrecked the alignment or bent any axles out of shape. Additional concerns brought to me by Michelle Mauro of Commerce Insurance who seems incapable of getting back to me with any kind of update about my deductible. I certainly hope this is only incompetence rather than intentional business practice.

Vitamin D level check, checking in with Dr. Winger, and visiting the root canal specialist have all fallen off the first tier of priorities. I guess my health will be on the docket for the second half of August, after I get back from Brazil. Likewise, dating.

like clockwork

late january is a such a bitch to me. for the past three years that i can remember i'll come back from California feeling good and doing fine and the year starts out well enough. I make plans and resolutions and then, right around my birthday things start to suck. last year it was the Mike and Judy show; the year before it was the Andy nonsense. but this year? I was so on track, being so good socially, putting my best foot forward towards school and all that, and still the same thing is happening again: I feel more and more tired, stuttery and pessimistic every day.

i can't let this happen! if it means i have to dramatically up my medication, embark on a rigorous diet and gym routine and stop watching tv altogether that's what I'll have to to. it's unacceptable to lose any more time to depression. especially at 37 when I have to make so many things happen! so there: a new resolution: fight depression! Grrrr!

staying intentional

it's pretty boiler plate as resolutions go: stay focused, don't procrastinate, follow through. the trick will be sticking to it. here are some specific areas I had in mind when resolving to do this:

work: there are too many days when i come into work and don't know what to do with myself, and too many other days when i have a list of things i'm not excited about doing. while in the past i've sort of dragged my feet until things eventually got done without ever committing fully to the task i'm deciding now that i'll do things differently from here on out. i've determined empirically that it's less painful and takes less effort to do things intentionally than while dragging my feet.

school: last year was kind of a wash. i barely made it through intelligent interfaces, which was a pretty easy class, and let that final paper drag on to the utter limits of my sanity. if i'd just started it two days sooner and had managed to turn something in i'm sure the resulting grade would have been the same (B+) but my summer would have been much more relaxed. when the fall came and I started on the java class the paper was still hanging over me and the malaise of it seemed to spread. gone was the high stakes feeling of the previous fall, when i spent days in the library doing research and churning out papers. granted the material was difficult and unfamiliar to me, but i was overwhelmed almost from the start. i don't know that I could have done better in a different frame of mind, but i might have been able to be more objective sooner as to my place in the class and might have dropped it sooner, again incurring less exhaustion and pain.

dating: no more putting off dating because i don't feel like it. no more wasting time with justin. no more excuses. it's a simple proposition: in order to meet the right person i have to go out and meet more people. even my own method of data analytics-driven dating requires data points. so that's it. more dates. more writing, more pictures, more sites, activities and people.

socializing: just be better at it. there are so many times when i haven't felt capable of socializing, or capable of enjoying socializing. i just upped my citalopram dose because i'd been experiencing symptoms of a serotonergic deficiency (stuttering, mis-firing thoughts, physical clumsiness, slowed reflexes). i have a few leads in danette and anne, and i need to decide whether to put work into liza. she's perfectly nice, but i always come away feeling like it was not a fit. maybe there's something to that. but i have to make a decision about it rather than letting things just fall wherever.

money: no more indulgence shopping! i can't afford it. i have a mortgage, school, psychotherapy and an asthmatic kitty to take care of. there are myriad home improvement projects calling out to me but i'm just going to have to pace myself. i'm starting the year off on a note of austerity and will have to manage my budget observantly.

that's all for now. it's simple, straight-forward and absolutely not my strong suit. good luck to me!